Listening to Mama Church

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In granting married persons the privilege and great responsibility of becoming parents, God gives them the grace to carry out their mission adequately. As spouses, parents and ministers of the sacramental grace of marriage, they are sustained from day to day by special spiritual energies, received from Jesus Christ who loves and nurtures his Bride, the Church.  —The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, Guidelines for Education Within The Family

Most people that know me are aware I have a lot of time on my hands.(Not too surprising considering that I’m single and childless). But what many are NOT aware of is in the past year and a half, I’ve basically gone “all in” with my Catholic faith; reading and researching and attending webinars and seminars and conferences and retreats. And among the many things I have uncovered, is that there’s more that the Church has gotten RIGHT than most people realize. And one of those is Her teaching on sexuality. 

Since most people are totally unaware of this (The Church and SEX don’t exactly appear in the same sentence very often), I figured I’d give out some resources that parents can use to not only educate themselves, but their kids as well.

Mama Church Knows Best

“No good parent accepts and endorses everything their child chooses.”

We view the Church as our Mother. And like any good Mom, she wants what is best for us.

If you’re scratching your head in disbelief, allow me to explain.

Let’s take the example of a child running into the street without looking. If you see your child starting to run into oncoming traffic, are you going to say “Well, I can’t judge them for doing that. If they feel like running into the street, that’s their right. I can’t stop them.”  Of course not!! You’ll run to save them. You’ll tell them to stop running so they don’t hurt themselves! Because you love them.

If you see your child start to take drugs, will you just sit by and say, “Well, that’s their choice. I mean, they might end up hurting themselves in the long run but I can’t stop them. If they feel it’s right for them…” Clearly you wouldn’t. You would try to stop them and tell them that there are consequences for their actions and that doing drugs is wrong and unhealthy and harmful. And since you love them, you get them help so they can thrive and stay alive.

This is how the Catholic Church sees us – as children in need of guidance. One of the best examples of this is seen in the document entitled Humanae Vitae. This document (HV for short) explains the Church’s stance on contraception (a big no-no). But WHY was Pope Paul VI (the Pope at the time this was written) so down on the pill? Well, just read it to find out.  It’s easy to understand, I promise!

For one thing, the Pope predicted that the legalization and widespread access of contraception in partnership with the sexual revolution would lead to: single parent families, fatherless children, increased divorce, unplanned pregnancies, and increased abortions. In other words, a culture of death.

Gee…you think he may have been right on that?

What makes this document so controversial for some of us in the Catholic world is that the teachings are difficult to implement. Because, as we know, it’s not easy to be a Christian, especially today.

So maybe before you start to talk to your kids about sex and God’s design for our bodies and marriage, perhaps you need a re-fresher? Reading HV is a great start. But wait, there’s more!

Educate yourself:

  • One good first step is to get yourself a copy of the Catechism. It’s easy to read, although it’s very thick. But it’s divided up into sections so you can jump around. One of the best tips I received recently was from Dr. Bob Rice at Franciscan University at Steubenville. He says to start reading the In Brief sections and praying with those before actually reading it from cover to cover. I am finding that to be really helpful.
  • If you’ve followed my blog you know I’m a Theology of the Body enthusiast/addict/obsessed person. Besides listing everything in my Recommended Reading tab, I would say the best book for married couples and parents is The Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West. It’s format is Q&A so you can jump around to the sections you want to read. It addresses infertility, contraception, celibacy, natural family planning and much more. Best of all, it addresses the beauty and truth about what marriage means between a man and a woman.
  • Hate reading?  If you prefer videos, you’re going to want to subscribe to both Fr. Mike Schmitz and Bishop Robert Barron. Bishop Barron is especially popular for his YouTube videos explaining everything from Advent to War. You can find his homilies, videos, and blog posts at Word on Fire. Here’s what you get when you search “Sexuality.”
  • As for Fr. Mike Schmitz, he’s considered more “real-world” and is a big hit with the teens and young adults. His videos can be found on Ascension Presents YouTube channel. Here is his video on the Transgender question which was probably one of the most popular.

Educate Your Kids:

I’m sure there’s plenty of parenting styles that someone is going to use to discuss the uncomfortable topics (pornography, masturbation, premarital sex, cohabitation, etc) and maybe you have already covered all of these topics with your kid. But I would definitely suggest none of these are “One and Done” subjects. I think it needs to be an ongoing dialogue as they grow up.

One great resource I found recently is this document from the Pontifical Council for the Family from entitled “The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality written in 1995.

This won’t tell you exactly what to say and how to say it, but hey, it’s a start! I would especially encourage parents to keep these things in mind:

  1. The information you present should be appropriate to the child’s developmental phases.

  2. The media violates these stages of development. Don’t allow the media to tell your child what is moral/immoral.

  3. Present chastity and virginity in a positive light (because it is!) and that’s contrary to what kids, especially teens, hear from their peers/media.

  4. It doesn’t matter what *you* did in the past. You can be vulnerable in front of your children but don’t think just because perhaps you fell into temptation, that you have “no right” to tell your kids how to be chaste. Don’t fall into the moral relativism trap.

  5. Everyone can be chaste, because we are all called to holiness.

  6. Not everyone is called to marriage. Be supportive in the discernment process for your children, especially if they seem drawn to the celibate/religious life as they become teenagers and young adults.

Another great (and shorter) resource comes from Focus on the Family. This PDF is free and downloadable after you enter in some basic information. This is probably most helpful for parents who have children who go to a public school but children who are at private schools can benefit as well: Empowering Parents Amidst Confusion on Sexuality

Lastly, the best one-stop-shop for teens and parents is the Chastity Project. You can search their resources for all kinds of answers to your questions regarding sexuality and what is in line with Catholic doctrine. Many of their blog posts are from teens and young adults struggling with everything from peer pressure to same-sex attraction to discerning consecrated life. Visit it often for all your questions and concerns about the confusing culture we are living in today.


There are countless other resources, books, talks, commentaries, etc. on how to raise your kids and discuss sexuality in a positive way that I cannot possibly list them all. My main point here was to emphasize that we can’t rely solely on the schools, teachers, catechists, priests, or youth ministers to “take care of it” for you. Parents NEED to be open about these things, especially with the conflicting and confusing messages kids see in the news, on social media, on the cover of magazines, from pop culture, and from their peers. Remember to teach the truth in love and to make sure your child knows they can come to you if they have questions. Be not afraid!

Love Thy Neighbor or Mind Thy Own Business?

no-access-71233_1280You know how people usually compare  the journey of dieting and losing weight to the journey of faith?  Maybe it’s just me since I seem to have an ear for this sort of thing and my ears perk up when I hear anything related to food. But I swear ever since I started reading more about the saints and listening to Catholic speakers and reading Catholic books, it seems like desire and sin are always compared with our desire for food, and the  journey to sainthood and heaven is always linked to a weight loss goal.  It’s fascinating because, truthfully, it’s spot on!

Don’t believe me? Read on.

So I have a spiritual director (Hello Fr. Adam!) and what I’ve discovered is that SD’s are similar to Personal Trainers in a lot of ways (similar to any coach/counselor).

We give instruction, we give guidance, we ask questions. But ultimately, we can’t force you to lose weight/get stronger etc. That’s something you have to do on your own. My SD can’t force me to do anything but he does provide guidance, instruction, asks probing questions (that I sometimes hate to answer). “Did you workout like you planned?” similar to “Have you prayed using Lectio Divina?” to which I usually answer, “I plead the fifth Father!”

Most personal trainers or strength and conditioning coaches will ask their client to record their workouts and their food intake in a journal. It’s more about self-reflection than anything else. Same is true for anyone seeking the “more” to life. I’ve always journaled but I go through periods of lulls where I just don’t feel like writing anything. And I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I’ve attempted to log my food and kept failing because of laziness.  It’s an ongoing struggle.

And then there’s the gym. Clearly, the most obvious similarity is that to a Church, with the congregation being fellow gym-goers.

But I would say watching people work out is not like sitting in the pews. That’s probably more comparable to every day activity.

For example – I see people at the gym doing exercises improperly at least once or twice at each visit. Of course, no one is going to be perfect all of the time, but that’s why we have gyms – so people can exercise and work their way to their own version of the “perfect” body. (A whole other blog post)

But what about these gym people who seem to have terrible form and their breathing is off and they look like they might drop a dumbbell on their foot (or face!) any minute now?

Do I have an obligation to go up to them to tell them what they are doing is wrong and that they might hurt themselves? If the potential to hurt themselves is imminent, I do and I have. (A dumbbell to the face is no something I would like to watch!) But usually, they’re just going to hurt themselves over time. Not right away.

Keep in mind these are people I have seen repeatedly throughout the week. It’s usually something as simple as improper form. Will it kill them? No. Will it hurt them? Most likely, over time. Will it be an injury they can’t recover from? No idea. But most likely not.

Do I now have an obligation to help them or to say something? What if I wasn’t a PT and just a regular knowledgable gym-goer? Do I interrupt their workout and say something or just let them figure it out on their own? I could just wait until they learn from someone else more qualified. But then, won’t they feel kind of silly or stupid for doing it “their way” for so long? Will they wonder – “Why didn’t anyone tell me this before?”

Why is it so hard for me to work up the nerve to say something, and offer a better way for them to achieve their exercise goal at that moment?


Won’t You Be My Nosy Neighbor?

As you ponder that, let’s take the guy out of the gym and put him in a real-life scenario. Let’s say it’s a neighbor. Like, literally, your next door neighbor.

You know he’s married with a kid. You’ve met his wife and daughter. They go to your church. But you don’t know them that well. Just well enough to wave hello and once in a while borrow a cup of sugar or something. (Does anyone do that anymore?)

Let’s say over a period of time, you notice this guy talks down to his wife and daughter. But he seems to verbally abuse the wife more than the kid. You only notice this when you can overhear them if they’re outside. But let’s say it starts to become more frequent. And let’s say he starts to do it while you’re hanging out with him and his family at a cookout or something. Or at a church function.

Do you wait and not say anything? Do you pull her aside and say something? I mean, these people go to your church. But it’s not like he’s sinning right? He’s not hitting her because you’d be able to tell, right? You could always assume he’ll learn how to be a better communicator eventually from someone more qualified than you. You’re just a neighbor and you should probably just mind your own business…right?

The big dilemma is this: At what point do we go from casual observer to intervener?

Because I think that’s what’s happening in the world today but it’s being misinterpreted as being nosy and injecting your self into someone else’s life. Or the most popular argument: “You’re forcing your beliefs onto me!”

No, actually, no one can force you to believe anything. I can’t force you to lose weight, I can’t be forced to lose weight and I can’t force you or anyone to become a saint.

The Christian and Correct Response

It comes back to what I said in the beginning: We can guide. We can offer assistance. We can start the conversation.

And one thing I’d love for people to know, especially those who don’t quite get us Christians, is that we want to help people. I know some Christians are better at this than others. Some yell and scream (not good, seriously can we stop that please?) some calmly approach (better) and some literally offer to accompany and walk with that person on their journey (best). But even this approach may come across as hurting someone, because we are telling them bluntly, that they are hurting themselves by whatever sin they are committing. But even if we tell them the truth in love, I promise we really have their best interests at heart.

When we see someone living their life a certain way that we believe to be wrong and that will hurt them, we have a moral obligation and a duty to help that person the best way we can. But, and this goes to my fellow Christians, once you try to help someone, you have to get out of the way and drop it. No amount of coercion or yelling or degrading will ever get anyone to change their ways.

So I end with a question, for myself and for you, to think about: If you see someone, your neighbor, your fellow parishioner, your friend, doing harm to their soul, will you work up the courage to provide a better way?  Or will you just walk on by? Is minding your own business really the loving thing to do?

 

 

 

 

 

The Gift of a Public Faith

“Authentic Christianity is meant for the world and will always be a challenge to the corruption of the world.” – Bishop Robert Barron

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The past few weeks I’ve heard and experienced a very clear message from several public figures in the Catholic world: Faith wasn’t meant to be privatized. Christianity is not a privatized religion. It must be shared publicly in order to fight the resistance of the world.

I think now, more than ever, it seems we need more public displays of Christianity.

Why?

Well, not only to fight off evil, which is a good enough reason of course. But more to dispel the myths of who Christians are and what they look like and how they act. To clear up the confusion! Because I gotta tell you, there are a LOT of confused people out there who have a warped idea of who an authentic Christian is.

Due to the rise of secularism and people identifying as being either non-religious or just plain old “spiritual,” a common assumption is that we are all just like the group of Westboro Baptists. I was astounded to hear this!  Not only is this completely FALSE but it’s also disgusting and hurtful to be associated with this very very small group of individuals. In doing research for my post today I actually went to their website just to confirm that this group has nothing good to say and I was right. Sadly, they are all very misguided. They preach hate. Plain and simple. It was sickening and most of all, discouraging.

I thought to myself, “This is what non-Christians think of us? That among the 30,000 different denominations of Christianity, we are all associated with these people who preach nothing but hate and make it their duty to protest funerals?”

Isn’t this even more of a reason to publicly express our faith and what we believe, in love and with compassion? It won’t do us much good to retreat to our cozy homes or stay inside our churches and just keep our faith to ourselves.

So it starts with us; with me and you.

But where to begin?

The smallest acts can go a long way

Something as simple as saying grace before every meal, even when you’re someplace like a fast food place or a restaurant can go a long way.  How? Well, because you are being SEEN. Others notice that kind of thing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said grace before eating a meal and have gotten just a simple smile from across the room from folks. Almost like a nod of approval or a just a simple gesture to show that they respect it. And it serves as a reminder to others that may have stopped practicing this ritual.

I read somewhere recently to always pray before eating a meal at a restaurant and make sure to pray before the waiter/waitress leaves the table after placing the order. That way, you take that moment to ask him/her if you can offer up any prayers for them, too!

It could be something like just bringing your Bible somewhere. Or the Magnificat or the Liturgy of the Hours. Plenty of people are nosy, I have found. They’ll strike up a conversation with you just about anywhere. (Unless it’s just a friendly Midwestern USA thing?)

Take for example, reading a book. Any place that’s public like a beach, or park or commuting on the bus or at the airport is a place where you find many people are reading while waiting for something. I’m always curious what people are reading so I have no problem just asking someone, “What book is that and is it any good?” Fr. Tom of the TOB Institute mentioned that he brought his Breviary with him on a fishing boat recently and it always gets the locals talking and asking him, “What’s that? Is that a Bible? You some kind of holy man or something?” It’s a great icebreaker.

I will give just one small example from my own life that I thought was interesting. It took place at the car dealership where I was getting my oil changed. Of all the places, I ended up evangelizing to the service guy!  He initiated the conversation by asking, “So is it Sister Michelle? I noticed that book in your car when I went to move it.” The book in question was called A Vowed Life that one of my dear friends loaned to me.

I laughed and said “Oh no, it’s most definitely not Sister Michelle.  But funny you should mention that because I’m actually discerning consecrated life, which is different than religious life.” So he proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions about that which was fantastic. Then I went to see my sales guy and he had heard from the service guy what we talked about and so then HE proceeded to ask me more questions about consecrated life and what that would look like, etc. So we had an awesome conversation about discerning one’s vocation. Both of these men had discerned married life so I explained how and why I discerned that married life is not my vocation and how I came to that conclusion. What a place to have this random encounter, at a car dealership of all places.

The point is that when out in public, and not just in the pew, we are being seen. We are being observed. Is our conduct in line with what our faith teaches us? Are our actions one of faith or one of what the culture tells us we should be doing? Are we going to let non-religious people stereotype us as “those hateful bigots?” Or are we going to stick up for what we believe while simultaneously preaching the love of Christ?

The public square is open. It’s up to us if we’re going to step into it and declare our faith to all who can hear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Gift of Chastity Talks and Teens

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I had the awesome honor to give a chastity talk to a bunch of teens the other day.

It was very well received and sparked some really good conversation after it was over.

If there’s a parent out there that has no idea how to start the conversation with their own teenager, my chastity talk could be a good “starter” to get the talk going. Or at least it could serve as an outline or template, if you will.

Another great resource is ChastityProject.com. Tons of great books and DVD’s and CD’s and free stuff too. Their blog is one of the best out there as well.

Also, even if you’re not a teen or not a parent, you could probably learn a thing or two from this talk. Honestly, not too many people know Theology of the Body and were never told about the beauty of God’s design of our bodies and sexuality. So give it a read and I would be willing to bet you’ll learn something new.

*There’s a lot I didn’t type out here that I shared with the kids that made this talk part “witness” talk and part Catholic teaching. I went off script plenty of times which made it much more lively and interesting.


I was raised Catholic and went through 12 years of Catholic school but was never told and never knew the beauty of Gods design for sex and marriage. I never knew the WHY behind the reason sex is saved for marriage. In fact I just learned TOB last spring. And when I learned how God designed our bodies and how sex is this sacred and holy union, I was floored. And, the beautiful part was that I was also healed from my own wounds that I suffered from due to my misunderstanding of our faith and Catholic doctrine. That’s a whole other story for another time, but I hope this gives you a bit of an idea as to why I’m so passionate about this subject and why I was so eager to talk to you today.

Okay, let’s start with one little fun fact: The first chapter in the Catechism of the Catholic Church actually begins with the phrase The Desire for God. Many people don’t even know what the Catechism is let alone that it starts with these words. So besides a Bible, please harass your parents to get a copy of the Catechism for the whole family.

So this is where we need to start our discussion on sexuality and marriage – with the word Desire.

Why? Because once we understand the difference between our desire for God and our desire for earthly or worldly things, can we then figure out what role our desires play in our lives, especially when it comes to sexual desires.

“The desire for God is written in the human heart.” That’s what is written in the first chapter of the Catechism. It goes on to say “because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for.”

So to put that in simple terms –  we have this desire to be in communion with God, with the one who created us!

But unfortunately what may happen to us as we get older and grow up, is that we may not understand this DESIRE for God and we may end up rejecting God. Maybe either through sin or listening to the “outside” world and losing our faith perhaps along the way. Or maybe alot of us just end up giving in to sin so much that we don’t believe God will forgive us, so we hide from Him by avoiding mass and avoiding the sacrament of reconciliation and never talk about it.

One thing we never talk about are our sexual sins. Probably because they tend to make us feel ashamed or embarrassed and we don’t feel like we can talk to anyone on earth about how to overcome this, especially our parents right? Possibly the last place we want to go is to confession and talk to a priest about it too. So we find ourselves kind of lost,unsure of who to turn to or where to go. This happens quite a bit, even to practicing Catholics. This is why we must never forget our ultimate desire: To get to heaven to be with the One who created us.

 

We are all called to holiness, which is something I never learned or even believed at your age. In fact I didn’t believe that we are all called to holiness until recently! But trust me, God doesn’t tell us that we are destined to live in sin all our lives.

God represents to us what is Good, what is True and Beautiful.  We’ll get more into this in a minute. But first, I want to touch on the creation story for just a second so bear with me.

If we go back to the story of creation in Genesis, God made everything and declared it was “very good.” If there’s one thing you remember from the Creation story please remember that God looked at everything he made and declared it very good.  Everything – including US! Humans! And that includes our sexuality. Our sexuality is not BAD. It is very good.

But original sin distorts this concept, this thought that everything is good. Sin makes it really difficult to see what is good, or to choose what is good true and beautiful and we end up “missing the mark.”

Today, especially as a teenager, one of the biggest areas where we give in to temptation and where sin twists our desires for what is good and true and beautiful is our sexuality.

We tend to think we have just two options when it comes to our desires, especially those of a sexual nature: The first is to suppress: “This is bad that I’m having these lustful thoughts, therefore I am a bad person.” So we think we have to suppress these thoughts, pretending they don’t exist. OR the second option: what’s worse, is the opposite can happen and we don’t see them as bad, we see them as “no big deal,” or “everyone else is doing this,” and therefore we can easily fall into sinful ways without much of a second thought by ACTING on our desires.

 

But I’d say one of the more popular roads we take is we know, in our hearts, we were created for good. We all WANT to be holy people. We just don’t know how! We don’t know how to re-direct our desires for what is good true and holy.  Luckily, The Church actually gives us guidelines on how to do this- They’re called the 10 Commandments; maybe you’ve heard of them. But more than the 10 Commandments, we have Jesus who is our example of how to LOVE, not lust.

How do we “fight” sin and how do we “fight” lust? Well the answer isn’t very popular with our culture today – the answer is through purity. We have to grow in purity – When we grow in purity we see the truth about ourselves and others, we treat others with dignity and respect. Purity orders our passions and re-directs our desires for love and intimacy back to LOVE Himself – God.

 

HOW we do this is the challenging part. But we can pray for purity. And seriously, I never ever thought to pray for purity until recently. I never thought to pray for God to purify my thoughts and my words and my actions. Sexual wounds cut us deeply. When we are hurt sexually either through abuse, or giving away our virginity to someone prior to getting married, and giving in to temptation, or someone using us for sex and treating us like an object –  whatever the case may be: those wounds hurt us so badly and it can take a long time to heal, especially if we never address them.

But the great news is that we can pray to God about it. We can go to Adoration, we can kneel in front of the cross and ask Jesus for help. Because He understands our pain. The man understands pain. He WANTS us to go to Him because He is the Truth. When we develop a relationship with Him, it makes it much easier to grow in holiness.  So pray to him to purify your thoughts. He answers them.

In the beginning I mentioned God created us and said all that he created was very good. This means our bodies are good. Our sexuality is good. But do we really believe that? As a Personal Trainer I come across people all the time who don’t view their bodies as good. Some of them really hate their bodies and the way they look. But our bodies are GIFTS!

Think about it – how are we all here walking around and talking to each other right now? We are alive because of the sexual union that our parents engaged in. We don’t have to sit here and think about the image of our parents conceiving us. But the point is: God created us and therefore he created sex. Sex is also “very good.”

The secular world actually says the same thing, that sex is GOOD. But their version of good and ours is different. Today, our modern culture reduces and lowers sex to just an act. They say sex is good as long as it’s consensual, meaning two people want to have sex, let them. “Not married? No big deal. Not dating? Fine! Same gender? That’s okay too!” That’s not what we believe as Christians. These scenarios make a mockery of our faith and our belief of how God created us as male and female.

 

You know what else is misunderstood and twisted in our culture is LOVE. The term love is thought of as a feeling usually described with happiness and bliss and excitement. But the Church teaches us that love is so much more. God is Love. It’s not only a good feeling, it’s also a choice to make a gift of self to your beloved.

Our culture tends to think sex EQUALS Love. In other words, people say “If you love me you’ll have sex with me.” “If you love me you’ll sleep with me, etc.” But that’s not a sign of love at all. That’s a threat.

Love is sacrificial. Love means to will the good of the other – meaning you do what is best for your beloved. So no, it’s not a sign of love to threaten your partner to say “If you love me you’ll sleep with me.” The opposite would be true – To ABSTAIN from sex until marriage is a sign that someone loves you. Why? Because, for one thing, they understand you’re trying to be holy and get to heaven and they want to get their too! Abstaining from sex and practicing chastity is difficult and a sacrifice – but LOVE is sacrificial! Practicing Chastity is just another way to express love for someone. It means you know that staying pure and holy is more important than your own or your partners satisfaction.

On that note, let’s get into marriage and what the Church teaches us about what this couple promises to one another. Why IS marriage such a big deal? Why SHOULD sex be considered sacred and reserved for married people only? Well for one thing Marriage is a Sacrament, which I’m sure you all know.

The couple make certain promises or VOWS to one another. They are called to put the needs of each other ahead of their own. Again, just as we talked about a second ago – Love between spouses is also SACRIFICIAL.

Jesus on the cross is the ultimate example of love because He sacrificed and gave his very life for us so that we may live. And that’s how spouses are to love each other – they are to mirror Christ’s love for each other.

So they promise to love each other in the ways that Jesus loved us – Freely, Totally, Faithfully and Fruitfully. So this is the main point of my talk today – these 4 ways in which we love our spouses.

Freely – The couple that’s getting married choose, from their own will, to love each other. They aren’t forced into this marriage nor are pressured to love each other.

Total – They give all of themselves. Not just part of themselves, all of it. They hold nothing back. So in other words, they don’t say “Honey I love you with 65% of myself. The rest of me I dedicate to loving football or shopping or my job etc.” No they are in this 100%.

Faithful – they love each other exclusively until parted by death.

Fruitful -And this is a big one – Their marriage and relationship is life giving. This means they are open to giving life to children.

So when the couples says yes to these promises, this love allows the couple to know God’s perfect love more completely and their mutual love of each other as husband and wife is a witness to the world of God’s love.

The most profound way that the words of the wedding vows are realized is through the sexual union of the married couple. Every time they have sex, and this is something many young people today who are not married don’t realize – but this is another reason we say you have to wait until marriage to have sex – the couple is in a sense renewing their wedding vows!!

The married couple speaks with the language of their bodies when they have sex, “I choose to love you and only you, with all of me, for the rest of my life and I am open to our love creating a new life.” Pretty romantic right? I think so. If the sexual act is missing one of those promises of faithful, total, fruitful and free, it’s considered a distortion of love. And that’s what we are going to end this talk with – The Distortions of Sexuality and Love or the Counterfeits is another way of putting it.

Alright so now it’s time to talk about sexual sins – And how they don’t reflect this image of what is good true and beautiful and how they don’t reflect this self-giving love at all.

But before we get into this, if you’re ever talking about sin with anyone – I’m sure this isn’t dinner table or cafeteria table conversation – but trust me when I say these discussions will come up at some point in your life – we always have to be aware of mentioning God’s mercy. Always remember this: There is no sin too great for God’s mercy. This is why we have the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I avoided confession for over 23 years. I’ve known adults older than me that avoided it for much longer. The pain they are walking around with is heartbreaking. They never, and i include myself in there, we never knew believed God could forgive us for our sins. So we need to always remember, no sin is too great for his mercy.

Also, I just want to mention that I personally have struggled with everything I am about to discuss. And if you have questions or just want to talk about any of these things, I am available to chat anytime.

So right off the bat let’s start with the biggie – fornication – pre-marital sex. Fornication includes any sexual activity outside of marriage. So we all know that the Church teaches we can’t have sex before marriage. This is because every sexual act, as I just mentioned, as designed by God is called to be free total faithful and fruitful. If an unmarried couple has sex, it lacks a requirement of self-giving love and becomes distorted.

One by one let’s go over the 4 requirements to see how premarital sex measures up:

Is it free? Yes, okay it’s free if both people agree to it without any outside pressure

Is it total? No, you’re withholding the promise to stay faithful.

Is it faithful? No because the commitment is not until death do us part.

Is it open to life? This depends but chances are if you’re not married you’re using contraception.

So when we engage in sex before marriage this sends a message of: Well, I like you enough to have sex with you but I’m not ready to commit to you. I just want to use you and I am ok with being used by you in the process.

This is the mantra or slogan, if you will, of the hook-up culture. We all know what the hook up culture is? It’s this way of living that tells the lie, the counterfeit, that If we just hook up sexually with each other with no discussion of commitment and no strings attached, we’ll be happy with this. We use each other for self-gratification and we are free to leave one another for someone else when we get bored or want someone else. Not a good message. Complete distortion of the beauty of the sexual union between a man and woman in marriage.

Secondly, one of more challenging things that will most likely come up as you get older – Cohabitation. Living together before you’re married definitely SEEMS and LOOKS like not a big deal. But let’s look at our 4 requirement and see where it stands:

Is it free? Is it a free choice to live together? Sometimes yes sometimes no. Some people say they live together to save money before they get married. Maybe they do it because they are feeling pressure from each other or society or who knows?

Is it total? No. It’s often considered a test period. What an awful thought, by the way. We are not cars! We are not objects to be taken for a “test drive” before we make a commitment! Moving in together is like asking “Do I love you enough to live with and be burdened by your flaws?” It is not a total acceptance of the other. It is not a total gift of self.

Is it faithful? No. There is no commitment of til death do us part. One person can leave any time.

Is it open to life? Probably not, especially because the couple is not attempting to build a home together, remain faithful or give and receive each other completely and they are most likely contracepting.
Lastly, pornography and masturbation – I think it’s pretty obvious why the Church says this wrong. But I think this problem is probably much more serious today in the sense that pornography especially, is becoming an addiction that is ruining relationships and marriages. So this is something that we need to take seriously. Porn is harmful and research is proving it. There’s one thing we need to tell all young people: Porn does not show real sex, and porn is not real love. Pornography is a hollow counterfeit that resembles an outward appearance of a sexual relationship but is the furthest thing from real intimate relationships.

So how does it measure up to our 4 requirements:

Is it free? Yes or no. It could be a free choice to engage in it but it could also be an addiction like a drug where you may feel like you have no choice.

Is it total? No. Masturbation is all about self pleasure never self-gift. You’re never giving yourself to anyone.

Is it faithful? No commitment is made and there is no one to be committed to since it’s all about yourself.

Is it open to life? Obviously no.
We don’t talk about these things to shame you or make you feel bad about yourself. The sin of lust – having lustful thoughts and desires like we talked about in the beginning, is a serious thing but it shouldn’t make you feel bad to the point where you feel embarrassed to even discuss it. What would be terrible would be if we didn’t discuss it and you kept on being a slave to sin, a slave to lust. Especially when it comes to porn and masturbation – I mean – let me reiterate that it’s normal to have feelings of sexual desire. Remember we said God created sex and created US so it’s normal to feel like we want to have sex!  We have this desire for communion! But the answer is not to repress or shove these feelings down. The answer is also not to act on them and think if it feels good, I can do it! We need to learn how to redirect our desires for what is good, true and beautiful. We need to train ourselves to be saints. And we can LOOK to the Saints like St Augustine. Do you know that Augustine had mistresses and an illegitimate child?! The man is now a saint and one of the greatest! And what about Saint Mary Magdalene?  The saints give us hope! They struggled with chastity too! I promise if you start to read about them you’ll feel like you have a friend along the way on your journey to become saints yourself.

I’m praying for you all and I hope you’ll pray for me too!

 

 

 

Remaining Silent…When You Really Want to Scream

No one is so good and devout as not to encounter some worries and troubles in life. When you face tribulation and are sorrowful in heart, you are with Jesus on the Cross. And again, when through the grace of the Holy Spirit you enjoy consolation in prayer, you rise, as it were, with Christ from the dead and the tomb, and with a jubilant heart you celebrate Easter with Jesus in the newness of life.

 

When someone directs harsh and unkind words against you, you are given to drink of the chalice of the Lord as medicine for your soul. Remain silent and drink of the cup of salvation without complaint, for the Lord will be your protection in nothing more admirable than to remain silent and patient, for in this way you curb the mouth of him who utters evil against you, and at the same time, you follow the example of Christ, who remained silent before Pilate, though much false testimony had been brought against Him. You are no better than God, who, for your sake, endured scourging, ridicule, and death at the hands of the wicked.

Thomas à Kempis, Bountiful Goodness, pp 36-37

God’s timing is always perfect, isn’t it?  I read this passage a couple days ago, just when I was seeking some answers about a recent encounter with someone who had some harsh words for me. This person said some pretty nasty things to me that aren’t worth repeating, but it was made clear to me, they had no idea just how rude they were being.

My initial response was silence, mainly due to shock that someone would disrespect me so much, but also because I have never felt it beneficial to respond to hate with hate (or in this case, disrespect with disrespect, as her comments weren’t really hateful as much as they were just downright rude and nasty).

Only one thought went thru my mind as she lashed out at me, and that was “Hurt people hurt people.” So I stayed silent, said little, and finished up my work with her. She is no longer in my life (she was a client) and this was her final session with me. My mind was racing after she walked out thinking, “Why would she say such awful things to someone she barely knows? What did I do to deserve such a beating? Where was this anger coming from?”

I even went so far as to reverse the situation and ask myself, “When was I this nasty to someone? When have I lashed out at someone trying to help me?” I was seeking the lesson here, and I admit, I struggled to find it. I am by no means perfect but I don’t recall in recent memory reacting in a similar way this woman did with me.  I got an answer though, and that was: “This isn’t about you. She’s struggling with someone/something that has nothing to do with you.”

Still, I was feeling conflicted and completely out of sorts.

These questions were still on my mind as I went on a retreat for the entire weekend. I felt bad because this woman was still on my mind as I was trying to enjoy myself and get into the “spirit” of the weekend. It’s a retreat, for crying out loud! You’d think of all places this was my best medicine.

In the end, I eventually got the bad taste of this client out of my mouth and my mind. I was inspired by the young ones I spoke to and their fire for the Lord. The answer to my questions maybe didn’t come directly to me that weekend but I did find comfort and a welcome distraction in the many people I encountered. Many of them had some amazing witness stories which definitely put my problems into perspective.

I came home Sunday evening to find this book, Bountiful Goodness, at my doorstep, almost forgetting that I had ordered it.

And this reflection on “Divine Consolation and Tribulations” was one of the first ones I read.

Remain silent and drink of the cup of salvation without complaint…

So for those who have been hurt by the unkind and harsh words of another person, I’m right there with you. As much as we want to react and fight back, sometimes it’s best to just remain silent and let that person go. I think that’s showing mercy, isn’t it? Pope Francis would probably agree in this Jubilee Year of Mercy that this is the right thing to do.

A prayer for them will probably serve them better than our own spiteful remarks and reactions.

And wouldn’t you know it, there’s a prayer for EVERYTHING out there! I found one specifically for our “Enemies” although I don’t consider her a true enemy. She’s probably not a friend though…maybe one day though!

Almighty God, have mercy on N. and on all that bear me evil will and would do me harm, and on their faults and mine together, by such easy, tender, merciful means, as Thine infinite wisdom best can devise; vouchsafe to amend and redress and make us saved souls in heaven together, where we may ever live and love together with thee and they blessed saints. O glorious Trinity, for the bitter passion of our sweet Savior, Christ. Amen.

– St. Thomas More

 

 

The Single Dilemma

Ahhh, the single life. Ain’t it grand?

I was recently a bridesmaid at a wedding and it was probably the first time I was GLAD to be at a wedding without a date. Why? Because recently I discovered my calling, my vocation, my purpose in life.

I know what you’re thinking: Whoa. You discovered the purpose in your life? That’s kind of a big deal.

And I would say to you, yes, it’s a very big deal. Hence, my dilemma. (And Yes, that IS how you spell dilemma. I know, I thought it was with an “N” too! There’s even an entire website dedicated to this comical error!)

Getting back to this wedding I was in. Since it was across the country, it wasn’t ever expected for me to bring a date. So I managed to avoid any and all questions of “Who are you here with?” “You’re here alone? Oh…You know I have a cousin who is single…”

Isn’t that usually how the conversations go? Our attached/married friends so badly want to set us up with someone who they assume is single and looking. Or, you get a slew of some form of the following questions:

Are you dating anyone right now?

Are you seeing anyone?

Are you interested in anyone lately?

Have you met anyone?

But see, I’m not looking anymore. And that’s really difficult for people to comprehend. Especially since I’m a female of child-bearing age.

What’s even more difficult to understand is that I’m HAPPY to be single. And not because I think dating is difficult (which it is) or that marriage can be extremely hard (which it could be). No, I’m not saying YES to being single because I want to AVOID dating and marriage. I’m saying YES to being in communion with God, and in the communion of saints – that is, with Christ and the Church.

Again, a very difficult concept for even the most super of super Catholics to comprehend, not to mention non-believers.

How can anyone be single and celibate and be thrilled about it? I attempted to explain this in a post recently. And I also explained a little bit about the freedom of lust here.

But here’s more of how this single life looks:

Celibacy emphasizes that man is called to be a “Partner of the Absolute” – that his deepest yearning is not for the marriage of earth, but for the marriage of heaven. When viewed in light of “the kingdom,” the celibate person loses nothing and gains everything! The joyful celibate testifies that heaven is real. And it is worth sacrificing everything to possess. – Christopher West – Theology of the Body Explained

The joyful celibate. My gosh, how perfect is that?! I think that might need to be the name of my book, if I ever get finished with it.

If you know that being single is your vocation, how do you even begin to tell people and expect them to understand?

I never viewed being single as being a vocation. And technically, it’s not a vocation in the truest sense of the word according to the USCCB. It’s a state in life.

Being single is a state in life, not a vocation. Being single can be support for your vocation to follow God’s call to you to help others, to do good works, etc., but it is not a vocation in and of itself. — Dr. Theresa Notare, USCCB

BUT, technicalities aside, it doesn’t matter. If anything, this reassures me that I AM meant for something else, that my life is meant to be steered in a different direction.

According to Mary Beth Bonacci of CatholicMatch.com, being single means that God is asking you to follow a different path, one that is uniquely your own.

“God writes straight with crooked lines. He meets us where we are. When we turn our lives over to Him, he creates something beautiful — beyond our wildest expectations,” she says. “As singles, we’re more aware that real fulfillment comes from giving. The absence of built-in gifts in our lives motivates us to move outside of ourselves and to reach out in love to those around us.”

I’ve felt this inner voice also steering me to GIVE of my time more. Since, as someone who does not have children or a spouse, I DO have the time! I might not have the money that some singles might have that’s needed to make a huge difference in someone’s life, but donating my time is something that I CAN afford to give.

But how do you know singlehood is your lot in life?

Excellent question. I wish I had a solid answer to this.

All I know is the Holy Spirit is definitely speaking to me. After many months of asking and praying about it, the Holy Spirit has put me on the right path. And that path seems to be pointing towards “a voice for the single’s.”  We are commonly referred to as the “leftovers” because no one knows what to do with us. And because being single covers a wide variety of ages, there’s quite a few of us that need some direction and purpose in the church besides clean-up crew.

What does this ministry or group look like? No idea. I’m working on it though!

There’s hope for us in the singlehood. I found my hope and my enthusiasm for the single life through Theology of the Body. But it might happen for you or others thru a different avenue or a different ministry or an entirely different and unique experience. And that’s all good!

If there was one message to my single friends I would want relayed, it would be this:

Don’t become frustrated if you keep getting those questions about seeing someone and dating someone. If you feel it is your vocation to be married, I believe if it’s part of God’s plan for you, it will happen. But in the meantime, why not be a joyful celibate? Be happy to be in a season of waiting for that final union with God. Because in the end, you’re seeking Him, not him or her.

 

The Body is a Sign of the Divine Mystery

If you’re just joining us, be sure to read my last post to get “caught up.”

“You are made in the image and likeness of God.”

This statement was implanted firmly in my brain starting in Freshman Religion class. I remember thinking “I know this is true, but I’m still not quite sure what it means.”

I don’t think my 14 year old brain could process it. And this is probably true of a lot of teenagers.

I knew my life was a gift from God, but I also remember thinking, “But what does God have to do with my parents conceiving me?” In other words, what do Sex and God have in common? I literally had no idea the two were connected, as strange as that sounds to me 23 years later.

Now, after reading TOB, something finally clicked.

Human nature is both spiritual and physical. We aren’t spirits “trapped” in our bodies. The Church has always maintained that we are embodied spirits, or spiritualized bodies. Through the profound union of body and soul in each of us, our bodies reveal or “make visible” the invisible reality of our spirits. But it does even more. Because we are made in God’s image, our bodies also make visible something of God’s invisible mystery.  TOB For Beginners

God has revealed his innermost secret: God himself is an eternal exchange of love, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and he has destined us to share in that exchange. CCC 221

And here’s where this all comes together –

God created us male and female so that we could image his love by becoming a sincere to gift to each other. This sincere giving establishes a “communion of persons” not only between the sexes but also-in the normal course of events- with a “third” who proceeds from them both. In this way, sexual love becomes an icon or earthly image in some sense of the inner life of the Trinity. TOB for Beginners

Whoa.

Have you ever heard anyone describe sex like this? Yeah. Pretty awesome right? It gets better.

As St. Paul says, quoting from Genesis, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:31-32).

This passage from Ephesians 5 is a key text- perhaps the key text- for understanding the body and sexuality “theologically.” Christ is the one who was sent by his Father in heaven. He also left the home of his mother on earth. Why? To give up his body for his Bride (the Church) so that we might become “one flesh” with him. Where do we unite sacramentally with Christ? In a most profound way in the Eucharist. TOB for Beginners

Confused? Don’t be! It’s simple really.

When all the confusions are cleared and the distortions are untwisted, the deepest meaning of human sexuality – of our creation as male and female and our call to communion – is “eucharist.” John Paul II describes the Eucharist as “the sacrament of the Bridegroom and of the Bride.” God created us male and female right from the beginning to live in a “holy communion” that foreshadows the Holy Communion of Christ and the Church. In turn, the gift of Christ’s body to his Bride (celebrated in the Eucharist) sheds definitive light on the meaning of man and woman’s communion.

The Spousal Analogy

The Bible begins with the marriage of the first man and woman and it ends in Revelation with another “marriage” – the marriage of Christ and the Church.

And here is what we learn from the Pope’s Theology of the Body: God wanted this eternal “marital plan” to be so plain to us – so obvious to us – that he impressed an image of it in our very being by creating us male and female and calling us to become “one flesh.” TOB For Beginners

So two things to take away from this:

1. God is a communion of love

2. We are destined to share in that exchange (God wants to “marry” us – Hosea 2:19)

There is so much more to be discussed here but it is my hope, my dear readers, that you now have an idea of what it means to be created in the image and likeness of God. I understand it’s a difficult idea to wrap your head around, and one that is never going to be understood completely due to our limited brain power, but that’s why it’s called the “mystery.”

Fitting in My Faith: I look at Eucharist differently now that I have read TOB. Now I understand why it’s a sacrament. Now I understand why marriage is a sacrament. Now I know why the Church takes it seriously, and now I appreciate it even more when I hear the words, “This is my body, given up for you.”

I also appreciate life, my own life and the lives of others, much more greatly. I don’t think of how we are created as just “sex between two people who love each other.” And 9 months later, life. It’s much more than that. It’s a sacred union. It’s not gross or disgusting or bad. It’s awesome and it’s miraculous and it’s a small, tiny, itty bitty taste of what heaven is going to be like. No, we won’t be having sex in heaven, 🙂 We’ll BE in heaven, we’ll be in UNION with God! We’ll be married to Him!

This is the purpose of sexual union in the divine plan: to prefigure in some way the glory, ecstasy, and bliss that awaits us in heaven TOB For Beginners

I don’t know about you, but understanding why we were created, makes me have greater faith of the heaven that awaits us all.

to be continued….

-Michelle